Anchor: Now over to our Apocalypse correspondent. Do we have any news on when those four horsemen are due to appear to make a statement? I've been told it could be any moment now.
Correspondent: (laughs) They're not hoving into view just quite yet! But, as you can see from the shit-o-meter, things are getting increasingly shitter out there. Once the levels of famine, pestilence, war, and death all reach the critical levels, it will indeed be the Apocalypse. We can see here how the recent war and famine in Yemen is driving up these levels, as well as the disappearance of fertile land due to climate change, and with the Doomsday clock at it's closest to midnight since the Cuban missile crisis, it's all kicking off here!
Anchor: Well, isn't that marvellous!
Correspondent: Yes, so viewers if you haven't repented your sins yet, I'd advise you do it sharpish! You don't want to be left behind with all the freaking shit-heels and demons!
Anchor: Certainly not! Now, this...
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